I didn't quit today. I might not have done everything exactly as prescribed, but I didn't quit.

I had a threshold run this morning for my marathon training. Essentially I had to run fast for a longer period of time than I do on an easier run.

I'll start off by saying, I am not at an elite runners pace. If you knew me on the high school cross country team, out of the 200 girls I was top 5 slowest.

I had terrible mental grit. In the two seasons I ran for my school, I raced 3 times.

You read that right. I did the freshman 2 mile race. One more my freshman year. And then cried through my other race. The entire time.

I hated how slow I was compared to everyone else. Girls were knocking out sub 8 min miles like they were flying.

I could run a solid 10 minute mile pace.

But to be good, or considered good, you had to be much faster. The training protocols were designed for already good runners. Not for people like me, who needed to build up pace.

So i HATED running.

Until lockdown, my mom convinced me to do Chicago CARA. They had pace groups all the way up to 13 minute miles. Low pressure. Just learn how to run and slowly improve.

And I have improved. A lot. I would almost say I am kind of fast.

But that is the problem. I still have a low mental game when it comes to running. I can't even say that I think I am faster. Speed and me do not align.

This brings be back to todays run. I had to do two repeats of 8 minutes hard, 3 minutes easy.

The pace was fast. 6:43-7:22.

Now if you know me, I wanted to hit the 6:43 because why shoot low. I got through my 20 minute warm easily holding the pace set for me. Then I had to start the rounds. I broke out and hit 7:00 then 6:50 then 6:45 within the first minute.

I hit the pace and I immediately starting tearing up

WHAT?????

My body felt great. My breathing was as controlled as it could be at that pace. but my mind went south fast. I immediately had every self doubt, criticism and disbelief in my ability.

"This is too fast. You're not fast"

"You are not a runner"

"This is going to be too fast for you, you're not going to make it."

"You can't do this"

8 minute count down and I paused my watch with 7:05 minutes left.

Yikes.

It took me a lot of pauses and regroups to get through those 8 minutes. And then when I did, the first thing I thought was "I'm done. One round is enough. I can't do this all over again. I am going home."

And I could've. I sent my coach a text that my mental game was off. Grabbed a big chug of water. Thought to myself "well I could do the cool down at least. But then my workout would only be 38 minutes long. That is shorter than I want."

More thoughts ensued.

Honestly I am not sure what exact thought convinced me to at least start the next 8 minute round.

But then this belief came in:

"I will get this workout done even if it takes me two hours. Even if I have to pause my workout every minute for the whole 8 minutes. I will complete this because physically I know I can. Right now it is my mind that is holding me back."

If I want to be faster, at some point I have to learn to run faster.

My body is capable of faster paces. I felt good, really good. I was even cruising at 6;30 for a point and felt like I was floating. it was AWESOME!!

But the second I checked my watch, fear and doubt trickled in and I found myself stopping soon after.

Being fast and doing well in races is the goal. But that is only possible if I train my mind along with my body.

My triathlon went so well, I felt good the whole time. But I felt good the whole time.

I did not push myself into any discomfort. I biked hard, but not too hard. I ran fast, but not too fast. I didn't want to fail and not finish so I stayed comfortable.

I placed 15th in my age group. But what would've happened if I let go of any fear and truly raced?

High school reenforced my fear of racing. I don't know my racing limits. I've been too scared to reach them.

But I want to know just how much I can do. How far I can go. My mental grit has a lot of work to do.

By completing this workout this morning, albeit not consecutive 8 minutes, I proved just a little more to myself that I am capable of faster speeds. I don't know how to grow my mental game other than just getting out and doing it.

I know I have grown through this discomfort. It won't be overnight.

I didn't quit today. That is a win. And one step forward to becoming stronger.