As we age, we become less reliable

When you tell a kid that they have to do one more task, they trust you to not tack on another afterwards. When you do, they tend to fight it.

Think chores, think homework, think reading a book. When you tell them an endpoint, that will be the endpoint.

But as adults, we are used to hearing, "do one more actually", or "Actually just finish the whole page", "we're not done yet".

This ties into things beyond tasks.

Think about a time when you made plans with someone knowing very well both or one of you would cancel.

Sometimes it feels like this happens more times than it does not. I can think of 5 off the top of my head.

Where did flakiness get taught? Why is this normal and acceptable as adults or pre adults? Something shifted as we aged.

There are multiple factors and scenarios here:

1. The other person is flakey and bails on you

2. We are flakey and bail on others

3. Both parties want to bail, someone has to make the first move

Does this make us liars? Bad people?

It stems from niceness. And niceness is not good.

The definition of nice is: pleasant; agreeable; satisfactory. I've emphasized agreeable as you are to agree with what is happening.

You're nice if you agree to plans you do not want to do. You think you're being kind when you do this. You are not. It is in fact unkind to agree when you don't.

The definition of kindness: quality of being friendly, generous, and considerate. I've emphasized considerate as that involves a lot more than just being agreeable in the moment. When you are considerate, you are thinking bigger picture or longer term.

The definition of considerate: careful not to cause inconvenience or hurt to others. Wow. Well when you put it that way, being nice does not allow room for considering others, and often, in the long run ends up hurting or inconveniencing others.

We've been there: You make plans with someone, they start to act a bit distant as the plans get closer. If you're like me, you call them out and give them an out to cancel.

Saying something like "If tonight does work just let me know." or more direct, "If you think you're going to bail, let me know now so I am not waiting around for you."

If they are acting out of kindness, they'll cancel then. But more often than not you'll get a response of "oh no we're good! Just may get home later than I thought.." something along those lines.

And then hours go by, you don't hear from them. If you're lucky, you'll get a last minute "Oh S*T sorry!" type of text. Or a "my meeting ran late I don't think I can make it. Rain Check!" Or, if it's even worse, you'll get silence until you reach out. Making it your problem.

I see this a lot in the dating scene, but I see it with friends and acquaintances as well.

It comes back to people being nice in the moment, but not being kind.

We don't want to "hurt people's feelings" and face the awkwardness of saying no to things. So, we've learned to avoid and deflect and hope that people will catch on and leave us alone.

Which is not kind, not considerate and frankly disheartening. Now I am no preacher as I have been there done that myself.

It comes back to being taught to not ruffle feathers. To agree to make the other person happy. To go along with what others are saying or doing. It's how we've learned to agree with doing one more problem, one more chore. You learn that you are more successful in the moment by agreeing. You are more like-able. But like-able is different than reliable, honest, kind, considerate.

To truly be kind and considerate, you must think about the situation in a larger scale. What is the best outcome for yourself and the people you are engaging with? Someones feelings are bound to be hurt at some point in the interaction if you do not speak with honest kindness in the beginning. They may be upset even if you speak right away, but there will not be an opportunity to blindside them or surprise them with a change of heart. If your heart is set on no, you will be saving yourself and them a lot of time and energy.

It is uncomfortable and not always the easiest to tell others no. But it makes you a more reliable person and you develop a reputation of honesty and promptness. You become the person who is direct in kindness and does not feed into games.

Be reliable in your time. Be reliable in your interactions. Be reliable in your honesty, kindness, and compassion for others.